IN OTHER ERAS HE might have been described as swacked, stewed, stoned, smashed, crocked, cockeyed, soused, shellacked, polluted, potted, tanked, lit, stinko, pie-eyed, three sheets in the wind, or simply drunk.
In his own time, Major Joseph Mauser, Category Military, Mid-Middle Caste, was drenched.
Or at least rapidly getting there.
He wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t that kind of a binge.
He lowered one eyelid and concentrated on the list of potables offered by the auto-bar. He’d decided earlier in the game that it would be a physical impossibility to get through the whole list but he was making a strong attempt on a representative of each subdivision. He’d had a cocktail, a highball, a sour, a flip, a punch and a julep. He wagged forth a finger to dial a fizz, a Sloe Gin Fizz.
Joe Mauser occupied a small table in a corner of the Middle Caste Category Military Club in Greater Washington. His current fame, transient though it might be, would have made him welcome as a guest in the Upper Caste Club, located in the swank Baltimore section of town. Old pros in the Category Military had comparatively small sufferance for caste lines among themselves; rarified class distinctions meant little when you were in the dill, and you didn’t become an old pro without having been in spots where matters had pickled. Joe would have been welcome on the strength of his performance in the most recent fracas in which he had participated as a mercenary, that between Vacuum Tube Transport and Continental Hovercraft. But he didn’t want it that way.
You didn’t devote the greater part of your life to pulling your way up, pushing your way up, fighting your way up, the ladder of status to be satisfied to associate with your social superiors on the basis of being a nine-day-wonder, an oddity to be met at cocktail parties and spoken to for a few democratic moments.
No, Joe Mauser would stick to his own position in the scheme of things until through his own efforts he won through to that rarefied altitude in society which his ambition demanded.
A sour voice said, “Celebrating, captain? Oops, major, I mean. So you did get something out of the Catskill Reservation fracas. I’m surprised.”
A scowl, Joe decided, would be the best. Various others, in the course of the evening, had attempted to join him. Three or four comrades in arms, one journalist from some fracas buff magazine, some woman he’d never met before, and Zen knew how she’d ever got herself into the club. A snarl had driven some away, or a growl or sneer. This one, he decided, called for an angered scowl, particularly in view of the tone of voice which only brought home doubly how his planning of a full two years had come a cropper.
He looked up, beginning his grimace of discouragement. “Go away,” he muttered nastily. The other’s identity came through slowly. One of the Telly news reporters who’d covered the fracas; for the moment he couldn’t recall the name.
Joe Mauser held the common prejudices of the Category Military for Telly and all its ramifications. Not only for the drooling multitudes who sat before their sets and vicariously participated in the sadism of combat while their trank bemused brains refused contemplation of the reality of their way of life. But also for Category Communications, and particularly its Sub-division Telly, Branch Fracas News, and all connected with it. His views, perhaps, were akin to those of the matador facing the moment of truth, the crowds screaming in the arena seats for him to go in and the promoters and managers watching from the barrera and possibly wondering if he were gored if next week’s gate would improve.
The Telly cameras which watched you as, crouched almost double, you scurried into the fire area of a mitrailleuse or perhaps a Maxim; the Telly cameras which swung in your direction speedily, avidly, when a blast of fire threw you back and to the ground; the Telly cameras with their zoom lenses which focused full into your face as life leaked away. The Spanish aficionados never had it so good. The close-up expression of the dying matador had been denied them.
The other undeterred, sank into the chair opposite, his face twisted cynically. Joe placed him now. Freddy Soligen. Give the man his due, he and his team were right in there when the going got hot. More than once, in the past fifteen years, Joe had seen the little man lugging his cameras into the center of the fracas, taking chances expected only of combatants. Vaguely, he wondered why.
He demanded, “Why?”
“Eh?” Soligen said. “Major, by the looks of you, you’re going to have a beaut, comes morning. Why don’t you stick to trank?”
“Cause I’m not a slob,” Joe sneered. “Why?”
“Why, what? Listen, you want me to help you on home?”
“Got no home. Live in hotels. Military clubs. In barracks. Got nothing but my rank and caste.” He sneered again. “Such as they are.”
Soligen said, “Mid-Middle, aren’t you? And a major. Zen, most would say you haven’t much to complain about.”
Joe grunted contempt, but dropped that angle of it. However, he could have mentioned that he was well into his thirties, that he had copped many a one in his day and that now time was borrowed. When you had been in the dill as often as had Joe Mauser, the days you lived were borrowed. Borrowed from some lad who hadn’t used up all that nature had originally allotted him. He was well into the thirties and his life’s goal was still tantalizingly far before him, and he living on borrowed time.
He said, “Why’re you ... exception? How come you get right into the middle of it, like that time on the Panhandle Reservation. You coulda copped one there.”
Soligen chuckled abruptly, and as though in self-deprecation. “I did cop one there. Hospitalized three months. Didn’t read any of the publicity I got? No, I guess you didn’t, it was mostly in the Category Communications trade press. Anyway, I got bounced not only in rank on the job, but up to Low-Middle in caste.” There was the faintest edge of the surly in his voice as he added, “I was born a Lower, major.”
Joe snorted. “So was I. You didn’t answer my question, Soligen. Why stick your neck out? Most of you Telly reporters, stick it out in some concrete pillbox with lots of telescopic equipment.” He added bitterly, “And usually away from what’s really going on.”
The Telly reporter looked at him oddly. “Stick my neck out?” he said with deliberation. “Possibly for the same reason you do, major. In fact, it’s kinda the reason I looked you up. Trouble is, you’re probably too drenched, right now, to listen to my fling.”
Joe Mauser’s voice attempted cold dignity. He said, “In the Category Military, Soligen, you never get so drenched you can’t operate.”
The other’s cynical grunt conveyed nothing, but he reached out and dialed the auto-bar. He growled, “O.K., a Sober-Up for you, an ale for me.”
“I don’t want to sober up. I’m being bitter and enjoying it.”
“Yes, you do,” the little man said. “I have the answer to your bitterness.” He handed Joe the pill. “You see, what’s wrong with you, major, is you’ve been trying to do it alone. What you need is help.”
Joe glowered at him, even as he accepted the medication. “I make my own way, Soligen. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“That’s obvious,” the other said sourly. He waited, sipping his brew, while the Sober-Up worked its miracle. He was compassionate enough to shudder, having been through, in his time, the speeding up of a hangover so that full agony was compressed into mere minutes rather than dispensed over a period of hours.
Joe groaned, “It better be good, whatever you want to say.”
Freddy Soligen asked, at long last, tilting his head to one side and taking Joe in critically. “You know one of the big reasons you’re only a major?”
Joe Mauser looked at him.
The Telly reporter said, “You haven’t got any mustache.”
Joe Mauser stared at him.
The other laughed cynically. “You think I’m drivel-happy, eh? Well, maybe a long scar down the cheek would do even better. Or, possibly, you ought to wear a monocle, even in action.”
Joe continued to stare, as though the little man had gone completely around the bend.
Freddy Soligen had made his first impression. He finished the ale, put the glass into the chute and turned back to the professional mercenary. His voice was flat now, all expression gone from his face. “All right,” he said. “Now listen to my fling. You’ve got a lot to learn.”
Joe held his peace, if only in pure amazement. He ranked the little man opposite him in both caste and in professional attainments. Besides which, he was a combat officer and unused to being addressed with less than full respect, even from superiors. For unlucky Joe Mauser might be in his chosen field, but respected he was.
Freddy Soligen pointed a finger at him, almost mockingly. “You’re on the make, Mauser. In a world where few bother, any more, you’re on the way up. The trouble is, you took the wrong path many years ago.”
Joe snorted his contempt of the other’s lack of knowledge. “I was born into the Clothing Category, Sub-division Shoes, Branch Repair. In the old days they called us cobblers. You think you could work your way up from Mid-Lower to Upper caste with that beginning, Soligen? Zen! we don’t even have cobblers any more, shoes are thrown away as soon as they show wear. Sure, sure, sure. Theoretically, under People’s Capitalism, you can cross categories into any field you want. But have you ever heard of anybody doing any real jumping of caste levels in any category except Military or Religion? I didn’t take the wrong path, religion is a little too strong for even my stomach, which left the Category Military the only path available.”
Freddy had heard him out, his face twisted sourly. He said now, “You misunderstand. I realize that the military’s the only quick way of getting a bounce in caste. I wish I’d figured that out sooner, before I made a trade out of the one I was born into, Communications. It’s too late now, I’m into my forties with a busted marriage but the proud papa of a kid.” He twisted his face again in another grimace. “By the way, the boy’s a novitiate in Category Religion.”
Some elements were clearing up in Joe’s mind. He said, in comprehension, “So ... we’re both ambitious.”
“That’s right, major. Now, let’s get back to fundamentals. Your wrong path is the manner in which you’re trying to work your way up into the elite. You’ve got to become a celebrated hero, major. And it’s the Telly fan, the fracas-buff, who decides who the Category Military heroes are. Those are the slobs you have to toady to. In the long run, nobody else counts. I know, I know. All the old pros, even big names like Stonewall Cogswell and Jack Alshuler, think you’re a top man. Great! But how many buff-clubs you got to your name? How often do the buff magazines run articles about you? How often do you get interviewed on Telly, in between fracases? Have the movies ever done ‘The Joe Mauser Story’?”
Joe twisted uncomfortably. “All that stuff takes a lot of time. I’ve been keeping myself busy.”
“Right. Busy getting shot at.”
“I’m a mercenary. That’s my trade.”
Freddy spread his hands. “O.K. If that’s all you’re interested in, shooting lads signed up on the other side, or getting shot by them, that’s fine. But you know, major"—he cocked his head to one side, and peered knowingly at Joe—"I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that you don’t particularly like combat. Some do, I know. Some love it. I don’t think you do.”
Joe looked at him.
Freddy said, “You’re in it because of the chance for promotion, nothing else counts.”
Joe remained silent.
Freddy pushed him. “Who’re the names every fracas buff knows? Jerry Sturgeon, captain at the age of twenty-one, and so damned pretty in those fancy uniforms he wears. How many times have you ever heard of him really being in the dill? He knows better! Captain Sturgeon spends his time prancing around on that famous palomino of his in front of the Telly lenses, not dodging bullets. Or Ted Sohl. Colonel Ted Sohl. The dashing Sohl with his two western style six-shooters, slung low on his hips, and that romantic limp and craggy face. My, do the female buffs go for Colonel Sohl! I wonder how many of them know he wears a special pair of boots to give him that limp. Old Jerry’s a long time drinking pal of mine, he’s never copped one in his life. What’s more, another year or so and he’ll be a general and you know what that means. Almost automatic jump to Upper caste.”
Joe’s face was working. All this was not really news to him. Like his fellow old pros, Joe Mauser was fully aware of the glory grabbers. There had always been the glory grabbers from mythological Achilles, who sulked in his tent while his best friend died before the walls of Troy, to Alexander, who conquered the world with an army conceived and precision trained by another man whose name is all but forgotten, to the swashbuckling Custer who sacrificed self and squadron rather than wait for assistance.
Freddy pushed him. “How come you’re never on lens when you’re in there going good, major? Ever thought about that? When you’re commanding a rear-guard action, maybe, trying to extract your lads when the situation’s pickled, who’s in the Telly lens where all the stupid buffs can see him? One of the manufactured heroes.”
Joe scowled. “The who?”
“Come off it, major. You’ve been around long enough to know heroes are made, not born. We stopped having much regard for real heroes a long time ago. Lindbergh and Byrd were a couple of the last we turned out. After that, we left it to the Norwegians to do such things as crew the Kon-Tiki, or to the English to top Everest—whether or not the Britisher made the last hundred feet slung over the shoulder of a Sherpa. I don’t know if it was talking movies, the radio, the coming of Telly, or what. Possibly all three. But we got away from real heroes, they’re not exciting enough. Telly actors can do it better. Real heroes are apt to be on the dull side, they’re men who do things rather than being showmen. Actually, most adventure can be on the monotonous side, nine-tenths of the time. When a Stanley goes to find a Livingston, he doesn’t spend twenty-four hours a day killing rogue elephants or fighting off tribesman; most of the time he’s plodding along in the swamps, getting bitten by mosquitoes, or through the bush getting bitten by tsetse flies. So, as a people, we turned it over to the movies, and Telly, where they can do it better.”
Joe Mauser’s mind was working now, but he held silence.
Freddy Soligen went on, “Your typical fracas buff, glued to his Telly set, wants two things. First, lots of gore, lots of blood, lots of sadistic thrill. And the Lower-Lower lads, who are silly enough to get into the Military Category for the sake of glory or the few shares of common stock they might secure, provide that gore. Second, your Telly fan wants some Good Guys whose first requirement is to be easily recognized. Some heroes, easily identified with. Anybody can tell a Telly hero when he sees one. Handsome, dashing, distinctively uniformed, preferably tall, and preferably blond and blue-eyed, though we’ll eliminate those requirements in your case, if you’ll grow a mustache.” He cocked his head to one side. “Yes, sir. A very dashing mustache.”
Joe said sourly, “You think that’s all I need to hit the big time. A dashing mustache, eh?”
“No,” Freddy Soligen said, very slowly and evenly. “We’re also going to need every bit of stock you’ve accumulated, major. We’re going to have to buy your way into the columns of the fracas buff magazine. We’re going to have to bribe my colleagues, the Telly camera crews, to keep you on lens when you’re looking good, and, more important still, off it when you’re not. We’re going to have to spend every credit you’ve got.”
“I see,” Joe said. “And when it’s all been accomplished, what do you get out of this, Freddy?”
Freddy Soligen laid it on the line. “When it’s all been accomplished, you’ll be an Upper. I’m ambitious, too, Joe. Just as ambitious as you are. I need an In. You’ll be it. I’ll make you. I have the know-how. I can do it. When you’re made, you’ll make me.”
WHEN MAJOR MAUSER, ESCORTING Dr. Nadine Haer, daughter of the late Baron Haer of Vacuum Tube Transport, entered the swank Exclusive Room of the Greater Washington branch of the Ultra Hotels, the orchestra ceased the dreamy dance music it had been playing and struck up the lilting “The Girl I Left Behind Me.”
As they followed the maître d’hôtel to their table, Nadine frowned in puzzled memory and after they were seated, she said, “That piece, where have I heard it before?”
Joe cleared his throat uncomfortably. “An old marching song, come down from way back. Popular during the Civil War. The seventh Cavalry rode forth to that tune on the way to their rendezvous with the Sioux at the Little Big Horn.”
She frowned at him, puzzled still, “You seem to know an inordinate amount about a simple tune, Joe.” Then she said, “Why, now I remember where I’ve heard it recently. Wednesday, when I was waiting for you at the Agora Bar. The band played it when you entered.”
He picked up the menu, hurriedly. The Exclusive Room was ostentatious to the point of menus and waiters. “What’ll you have, Nadine?” He still wasn’t quite at ease with her first name. Offhand, he could never remember having been on a first name basis with a Mid-Upper, certainly not one of the female gender.
But she was not to be put off. “Why, Joe Mauser, you’ve acquired a theme song, or whatever you call it. I didn’t know you were that well known amount the nit-wits who follow the fracases. Why next they’ll be forming those ridiculous buff-clubs.” Her laughter tinkled. “The Major Joe Mauser Club.”
Joe flushed. “As a matter of fact, there are three,” he said unhappily. “One in Mexico City, one in Bogota and one in Portland. I’ve forgotten if it’s Oregon or Maine.”
She was puzzled still, and ignored the waiter who, standing there, made Joe nervous. Establishments which boasted live waiters, were rare enough in Joe Mauser’s experience that he could easily remember the number of occasions he’d attended them. Nadine Haer, to the contrary, an hereditary aristocrat born, was totally unaware of the flunky’s presence and would remain so until she required him.
She looked at Joe from the side of her eyes, suspiciously. “That new mustache which gives you such a romantic air. Your new uniform, very gallant. You look like one of those Imperial Hussars or something. And your Telly interviews. By a stretch of chance, I saw one of them the other day. That master of ceremonies seemed to think you are the most dashing soldier since Jeb Stuart.”
Joe said to the waiter, “Champagne, please.”
That worthy said apologetically, “May I see your credit card, major? The Exclusive Room is limited to Upper—”
Nadine said coldly, “The major is my guest. I am Dr. Nadine Haer.” Her voice held the patina of those to the manor born, and not to be gainsaid. The other bowed hurriedly, murmured something placatingly, and was gone.
There was a tic at the side of Joe’s mouth which usually manifested itself only in combat. He said stiffly, “I am afraid we should have gone to a Middle establishment.”
“Nonsense. What difference does it make? Besides, don’t change the subject. I am not to be fooled, Joe Mauser. Something is afoot. Now, just what?”
The tic had intensified. Joe Mauser looked at the woman he loved, realizing that it could never occur to her that he, a Mid-Middle, would presume to think in terms of wooing her. That even in her supposed scorn of rank, privilege and status, she was still, subconsciously perhaps, a noble and he a serf. Evolution there was in society, and the terms were different, but it was still a world of class distinction and she was of the ruling class, and he the ruled, she a patrician, he a pleb.
His voice went very even, very flat, almost as though he was speaking to a foe. “When we first met, Nadine, I told you that I had been born a Mid-Lower. Why, I don’t know, but from my earliest memories I revolted against the strata in which birth placed me. History—I have had lots of time to read history, in hospital beds—tells me there have been few socio-economic systems under which the strong, intelligent, aggressive, cunning or ruthless couldn’t work their way to the top. Very well, I intend to do it under People’s Capitalism.”
“Industrial Feudalism,” she murmured.
“Call it what you will. I won’t be happy until I’m a member of that one per cent on top.”
She looked into his face. “Are you sure you will be then?”
“I don’t know,” he said angrily. “But I’ve heard the argument before. It’s been used down through the ages by apologists for the privileged classes. Pity the poor rich man. While the happy slaves are sitting down on the levee, strumming their banjos, the poor plantation owner is up in his mansion drowning his sorrows in mint juleps.”
She had an edge of anger, too. “All right,” she snapped. “But I’ll tell you this, Joe Mauser. The world is out of gear, but the answer isn’t for individuals to better their material lot by jumping their caste statuses.”
The waiter brought their wine, and, both angry, both held their peace until he had served it and left.
“What is the answer?” he said, mock in his voice. “It’s easy enough for you, on top, to tell me, below, that the answer isn’t in making my way to your level.”
She was interrupted in her hot reply by a rolling of the orchestra’s drums and the voice of a domineering M.C. who managed effectively to drown all vocal opposition at the tables.
Grinning inanely, holding onto his portable, wireless mike, he babbled along about the wonderful people present tonight and the good time being had by all. The Exclusive Room being founded on pure snobbery, he made great todo about the celebrities present. This politician, that actress, this currently popular songstress, that baron of industry.
Joe and Nadine ignored most of his chatter, still glaring at each other, until he came to....