DEVELOPING MENTAL IMMUNITY

During the week, as the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop joked about who got up too early and who was praying and meditating too much, it was clear that both believed strongly that spiritual practices were the essential ground of their being, sustaining and supporting them through their lives.

These daily times of prayer and meditation kept these two masters in spiritual alignment. I thought about what the Archbishop had said about the even greater importance of these practices for those who are not spiritual teachers but who must live and die in the blur and buzz of the marketplace. During the week, we had had a chance to discuss some of the spiritual practices that help to cultivate and sustain their joy.

Here we present some simple practices that can help overcome the obstacles to joy and support the eight pillars of joy. We have bookended this section with practices that Tibetan Buddhist monks typically do at the beginning and end of each day. The other practices can be tried on a regular basis or when needed. Like physical exercises, spiritual practices are not ends in themselves. They exist to support our mental health and mental immunity. The more we practice, the more we benefit. There is no spiritual competition. Do whatever you need to adapt them to your life for maximum benefit. (Remember the Dalai Lama adapting his morning practice to accommodate his aging knees.)

As the Dalai Lama said, he finds the science very motivating when he is trying to decide whether to wake up or hit the snooze button. Earlier we mentioned Daniel Siegel’s explanation of the brain on meditation. It seems that we are literally using our attention and awareness to establish neural firing patterns that help the brain avoid the destructive reactivity that the Dalai Lama said was so toxic to our mental and physical health. Many of these practices appear to integrate and harmonize the brain so that we can respond to the inevitable challenges of life with less fragmentation and more integration, less fear and anger and more ease and joy.

In our age of instant gratification, any information can be googled in a matter of seconds, but real knowledge and wisdom take time. These practices reward and deepen through continued effort. Usually when we start meditating or praying, we can experience what the Archbishop has called “spiritual sweets,” or the tingling and calming that comes from beginning to pay attention to our inner life. Like sweets, these are tasty, but the real benefits occur as we create a temporal container into which we can pour our heart and soul as we experience the joys and sorrows of life.

The nature of contemplative life is that it is very personal, and not all practices will work for all people. Find what works best for you. What is presented here are simply sample practices, including many that the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop use. We hope these will inspire your own practice.

MORNING INTENTION SETTING

Every conscious action begins with intention, which is simply setting goals. Many Tibetan monks do this each morning as a way of preparing their mind and heart for how they wish to face the day. They also check in with their intentions regularly, when preparing to sit in meditation or when undertaking any important task. Another way to focus your intentions is to read short inspirational passages that support your highest ideals. The Archbishop celebrates the Eucharist each morning, which involves reading (and pondering) Biblical passages. He observes the liturgies of the hours (morning, noonday, and evening prayer), for which there are a cycle of designated readings. He also likes to read passages from the great mystics to guide his heart and mind.

  1. Sit comfortably, either on a chair with the soles of your feet on the ground or cross-legged. You can also do this exercise while still lying in bed before getting up in the morning—after the alarm goes off and before the rush of the day has begun. You can rest your hands on your legs or on your belly.
  2. Close your eyes and take several long breaths through your nose. Feel your stomach rise and fall as you breathe from your diaphragm.
  3. Now ask yourself: “What is my heart’s desire? What do I wish for myself, for my loved ones, and for the world?” Our deepest desires usually lie beyond our temporary wishes and wants. They are likely to involve living with profound human values that lead to our greatest happiness, calling us back to our place within the fabric of life. The Dalai Lama has a simple way of testing our intentions: “Is it just for me, or for others? For the benefit of the few, or for the many? For now, or for the future?” This litmus test can help guide us toward what we truly wish for.
  4. Then state your intention for the day. For example: “Today may I greet everyone with the love that is in my heart.” Or “Today may I be less judgmental.” Or “Today may I be patient and loving with my children.” It can be specific or it can be general. If you do not know your intention, you can repeat the following four lines adapted from the traditional Tibetan prayer of the Four Immeasurables, which has guided many on their journey to more compassion and greater happiness:

OVERCOMING THE OBSTACLES TO JOY

Focus and Stress Relief—A Breathing Practice

Our breath is so important as a focus of spiritual practice in many religious traditions because it is the hinge between our self and the world. Our breath is internal, but it is also external. Breath is also both voluntary and involuntary. It is therefore an ideal doorway through which we can develop our self-cultivation. Focus, as you may remember, is so important that neuroscientist Richard Davidson found that one of the four neural circuits of well-being was dedicated to our ability to focus the mind. Simply observing quiet time, which the Archbishop maintains in the predawn hours, afternoon, and evening, is another way to focus our mind, relieve stress, and concentrate on what matters most.

  1. Find a quiet place where you can practice consistently. This way the physical space—a room, a corner, a cushion—will help signal to your body that this is a time for your practice.
  2. Sit comfortably. If you are sitting on a cushion or chair, try to lean slightly forward, away from the back of the chair so that your back will be straight. If you have chronic back pain, adjust as necessary.
  3. Close your eyes or keep them slightly open in a restful position.
  4. Place your hands gently on your knees or in your lap.
  5. Focus your attention on your breath.
  6. Breathe in deeply through your nose as your belly expands. As a jug of water fills from the bottom, your lungs should also fill from the bottom.
  7. Breathe out slowly.
  8. On each inhalation you can think in, and on each exhalation you can think out. Alternatively, you can count each breath after each exhalation.
  9. You can count out five to ten breaths and then repeat. If you lose your focus and your mind begins to wander, as minds do, just gently bring your attention back to your breath. You can start by doing this for five to ten minutes and extend the time as your practice develops.
  10. If you are feeling particularly stressed, you can imagine each breath bringing in calming cool air and it spreading throughout your body. Then, as you release your breath, you can imagine the stress leaving your body from the neck, shoulders, back, tummy, or wherever you tend to hold on to stress.

Morning Meditation Walk or Exercise

The Archbishop takes a morning meditation walk or constitutional each morning, and he continued to do so throughout the anti-apartheid struggle, even when he experienced death threats. I had the opportunity to accompany him on one of his meditation walks when we were working together in Florida. We walked silently for half an hour when the walkway abruptly ended at a wall. I will never forget seeing him walk right up to the very end of the path, right to the wall, so that his nose was practically touching it. It was at that moment I saw the man who was willing to walk around the world to end apartheid, no shortcuts, no turning back, going to the very, very end. Walking, hiking, running, or any other exercise can be made into a meditative experience. The key is to avoid all external distractions like talking, music, or television. The goal is simply to listen to the wisdom of the spirit that often comes through the wisdom of the body.

Fear, Anger, and Sadness—An Analytic Meditation

As the Dalai Lama said, fear, anger, and sadness are natural human responses. Fear and anger are natural stress responses, and these emotions carry important information for us. Sadness, too, can tell us that we are unhappy with something in our life. These three emotions no doubt evolved to motivate us to change our situation. As the Archbishop said, to be human is to feel, and these emotions will arise at times, regardless of our spiritual mastery. Yet responding to a situation constantly with fear, anger, or sadness tends to perpetuate negative energy. It is the irrational and obsessive components of these emotions that are destructive. Meditation is a profound way to develop our ability to escape our fight-or-flight reflex and extend the pause between stimulus and response to act with intention rather than just react out of emotion.

“The word ‘meditation’ is quite vast,” explained the Dalai Lama. “One form of meditation, for example, involves thoughtlessness. When I pull back the curtains in the morning and I see pigeons on the windowsill, I really think those pigeons are also doing something similar to this kind of meditation. They are not asleep but in a state of thoughtlessness. There is also meditation that involves maintaining focused attention. For example, for religious believers, single-pointed focus on God is a very powerful way to meditate and to quiet the mind.

“Now, in my own practice I engage mostly in analytical meditation. This is a form of mental investigation where you can see your thoughts as thoughts and learn not to be chained to them, not to identify with them. You come to recognize that your thoughts do not necessarily reflect the truth. In analytical meditation, you are constantly asking, What is reality? What is that self, or ‘I,’ that we hold so dear and that is the focus of so much of our concern? In analytic meditation, we contemplate on impermanence and on the transient nature of our existence.

“Some forms of meditation are just trying to create a state of thoughtlessness. This works like a painkiller, where fear and anger go away for a short moment but then come back when the meditation ends. With analytical meditation, we can get to the root cause of the fear or the anger. We can discover, for example, that ninety percent of our anger is mental projection. We can discover that the angry words were in the past and no longer exist, except in our memory. When you think about these things, the intensity of the anger reduces and you develop your mental immunity so that anger arises less.

“Many people think that meditation simply means sitting and closing your eyes,” the Dalai Lama continued, closing his eyes and taking a stiff posture. “That kind of meditation even my cat can do. He sits there very calmly purring. If a rat comes by, it has nothing to worry about. We Tibetans often recite mantras so much, like Om Mani Padme Hum, a mantra invoking the name of the Buddha of Compassion, that we forget to really investigate the root causes of our suffering. Maybe my purring cat is actually reciting Om Mani Padme Hum.” The Dalai Lama laughed hard at the thought of his devout Tibetan Buddhist cat. Nothing, not even one of the most sacred phrases of the Buddhist tradition, was above his analytic investigations and his sense of humor. The Dalai Lama was interested in truth wherever it might lie, and analytical meditation was one of his most effective tools for discerning it.

  1. Sit comfortably.
  2. You can close your eyes or keep them open. If you keep them open, keep your gaze soft and your focus inward. When the Dalai Lama meditates, his eyes remain open but with his gaze pointed slightly downward, not looking at anything specifically.
  3. Now pick a topic or experience that is troubling you, or simply watch your thoughts and feelings arise and recognize that they are temporary, without judging or identifying with them. Some will be bright and pleasant and some will be dark and stormy, but they all pass in time. Let them float through your mind like clouds in the sky.
  4. Now ask yourself, “Is my thought true? How do I know for sure? Does it help the situation? Is there a better way of thinking about it or approaching the situation?” Let’s look at how we might analyze the three fundamental, and often challenging, negative human emotions.
    • For fear, it can help to face the fear directly. You can think of the worst thing that could happen if your fear comes true. Now, could you or your loved one survive what might happen? Could it actually be beneficial for you or your loved ones? What could you or they learn if this were to happen? How might this allow you or them to grow and deepen as a person? For example, perhaps you are worried about your child who is struggling in school and you are afraid that some bad outcome will come to pass. Ask yourself, “Is it true that this outcome will definitely happen? How do I know for sure? Does my worry help the situation? Is there a better way of thinking about it or approaching the situation? What might my child learn from this experience? How might they grow and develop as a person?” When we turn and embrace what we fear, it loses its power to frighten us. We no longer need to fight it, but can instead work with it.
    • For anger, you can ask yourself what is its use? It may help to think of the Dalai Lama’s story of his driver, who was so angry about banging his head into the fender of the car that he banged his head into the fender of the car. Anger often involves some disappointment or frustrated expectation. Ask yourself, “What was my expectation? Can I release it and accept what is or how others are rather than how I think they should be? Can I also acknowledge my part in the conflict? Can I see my part in contributing to the situation I am angry about? If I am angry about what has been said, can I see that these are just words that no longer exist, that, like all things, they are impermanent? Will my anger benefit anyone, including me?” You could also reflect on how, if not contained, anger can lead to destructive action—from saying hurtful things to outright violence—that we later regret. Contemplate how anger can destroy relationships, alienate others, and rob you of your peace of mind.
    • For sadness, we can reach out for comfort or count our blessings. As we saw, sadness is an emotion that expresses our need for one another, and our sorrows are halved when shared. We can also recognize that while sadness may last longer than other emotions, it, too, will pass. All life, the sadness and sorrow included, is impermanent and will end. There are always going to be highs and lows in any life, in any year, in any day. So much of our mood comes from what we focus on. We can choose to focus on what is going well for us and for the people in our life. As the Archbishop said, we can count our blessings. By putting our attention on the things we are grateful for, we can shift how much time we spend in sadness and how quickly we return to joy. The Dalai Lama’s ability to focus on what has been enriching about life in exile rather than all that has been lost has allowed him to go beyond sadness, grief, and even despair.

Frustration and Anger—A Prayer

During the days of apartheid, the Archbishop would pray daily for the government officials who were maintaining the oppressive system. He prayed for them to transform their hearts and to transform the racist system that they created, but he also prayed sincerely for their well-being. It helped him to love them rather than hate them, and ultimately made it possible to work with them to help transition the country to democracy.

  1. Close your eyes and turn your attention inward.
  2. Think of the person who is upsetting you and say a prayer for them. Pray for their joy and happiness. Sincerely wish them well. See them as a child of God deserving of God’s love, or as another human being who shares your desire to be happy and avoid suffering.
  3. Try to do this each day for two weeks. See how your relationship is transformed.

Loneliness—A Common Humanity Practice

The Dalai Lama speaks constantly of our common humanity at the “first level.” The things that divide us (our ethnicity, our race, our nationality, even our gender) are much less significant than the things that unite us: our common humanity, our human emotions, and our fundamental desire to be happy and avoid suffering. Because we each have a human body, a human brain, and a human heart, we each have the same human longings, and, as the Archbishop often points out, the same human frailties and vulnerabilities. The common humanity practice reminds us that despite appearances and our fears of rejection, we are really deeply connected even when we do not see it.

The Archbishop was born just a short distance from the Cradle of Humankind, the place where our species is supposed to have originated. In a mere thousand generations, we have spread all across the world. As the Archbishop has said, “We are all cousins, really, perhaps just a few thousand times removed.”

  1. Think of someone you love—a child, parent, close friend, or even a cherished pet. Bring their image into your mind and allow yourself to feel the love that you have for them. Notice the sense of warmth and openheartedness that comes from feeling your love for them.
  2. Imagine their desire to be happy and to avoid suffering. Reflect on how they live their life to achieve these aspirations.
  3. Think of someone you know but do not know well. You could think of a colleague at your job, someone in your class at school, or someone who works at one of the stores where you shop. Allow yourself to recognize how your feelings for this person are different from the feelings you have for the person you just had in mind. We often do not feel empathy or connection for those who we consider strangers. Perhaps you feel indifference, perhaps a sense of separation, or perhaps even judgment. Now try to imagine being this person. Imagine their life, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their disappointments, and their suffering. Recognize that, just like you, they wish to achieve happiness and to avoid even the slightest suffering. Let your mind dwell in this realization and understand that you do not need an introduction because you already share the greatest bond—your humanity. They may be just as lonely as you, and your reaching out to them might be a gift to them.
  4. Take this awareness into the world. Start living from this newfound connection by opening your heart to those around you. You can start by smiling or acknowledging the other person by looking at them warmly and nodding your head. Different cultures have different ways of acknowledging others, but find what is appropriate in your situation and begin greeting your human family. Do not get discouraged if some are suffering from their own loneliness and isolation and do not acknowledge you. You can have empathy from your own feelings of loneliness. Greet the world with greater trust, kindness, and compassion, and the world will greet you with greater trust, kindness, and compassion. When you smile at the world, the world does tend to smile back.

Envy—A Mudita Practice

When we are envious, we have a nagging sense of dissatisfaction that effaces joy, as we are able to see only what we do not have and not what we do have. Envy is a poison tinged with guilt and self-criticism. It kills our happiness and empties the world of its riches and wonders. As with the common humanity practice above, Buddhism has a practice that breaks down the bonds of isolation and jealousy that keep us separated: It is called mudita, the practice of rejoicing in others’ good fortune. Just as a parent can rejoice in the good fortune of their child, we can rejoice in the good fortune of others when we expand our identity to include them and when we open our heart to experience their joy as our own.

  1. Imagine the person who has something that you envy.
  2. Recognize your shared humanity. You can refer to the previous practice or simply focus on the hopes, dreams, fears, disappointments, and suffering of the person you envy. Recognize that, just like you, the person you envy wishes to achieve happiness and to avoid even the slightest suffering.
  3. Imagine how happy what they have must make them. Think about what it must mean to them and to their family that they have what you envy. The car, the house, or the position may be a source of great satisfaction. Try to expand your heart to include them and their good fortune. Rejoice in their good fortune. Rejoice in the fact that they do not need your help because they have helped themselves.

Suffering, Adversity, and Illness—A Lojong Practice

A fundamental premise of Tibetan mind training, or lojong, is to take whatever suffering and adversity you experience into your spiritual practice and use it to help you grow and develop. Let’s say you have a difficult boss. You can see this as a challenge to become more responsible, tougher, and more resilient. If you are in a car accident and your car was totaled, rather than focusing on the loss of your car, you can be grateful that you were not harmed. If you experience a financial crisis, or even bankruptcy, you can see the experience as an opportunity to empathize with others who are going through similar hardship and to expand your capacity for empathy and compassion. As the Archbishop said, there are some aspects of empathy and compassion that can only be discovered through suffering.

  1. Think of where you are experiencing suffering or adversity.
  2. Think of others who are experiencing the same situation. Can you think of others who might be in a similar situation or are perhaps even worse off? Can you feel empathy and compassion for them?
  3. How might this situation be useful to you? What might be gained from this experience? What lessons can be learned? How might this circumstance help you grow and mature as a person?
  4. Try to feel grateful for the opportunity that this suffering and adversity has given you.
  5. Try saying the sentence: “May my suffering spare others from a similar suffering.” How can you use your suffering to alleviate the suffering of others? Can your actions help to prevent others from experiencing similar suffering, or contribute to reducing the suffering of others?

Suffering, Adversity, and Illness of Others—A Tonglen Practice

The famous tonglen practice allows us to be present and helpful to others when they are suffering, facing adversity, or confronting illness. This practice is the culmination of the Compassion Cultivation Training and is based on a widespread and powerful Buddhist practice. In this practice, we take suffering from others and offer our love, our courage, our strength, and our joy. In A Fearless Heart, Jinpa tells a powerful story of tonglen: One person who took the Compassion Cultivation Training was a hospital chaplain who recounted how the practice had helped her when she was called to the emergency room because of a drowning accident involving a child.

“I felt myself cringe inwardly because I knew the magnitude of this kind of situation—the hardest call for all concerned is when it involves a child. I prayed for strength as I hurried toward the ER. The RN told me there were actually two children, siblings, and doctors were performing CPR but it didn’t look good at all. I felt my whole body tighten as I entered the room to see the young mother bent over and sobbing from the depths of her being. . .. I felt overwhelmed, as if I was going to collapse under the weight of the suffering and my task. What could I offer? Then I remembered the “giving and receiving” technique of tonglen. . .. So I breathed in the suffering as if it were a dark cloud and breathed out golden light from my heart into the room and to everyone I encountered. A whole new level of integration happened. I could open to the experience of suffering and found something necessary and precious to sustain me. The suffering became fluid with each breath and washed over me so that I began to become unstuck. I began to feel the liberation of not being trapped in the experience of suffering but the freedom that happened as a result of actively engaging in it.”

Tonglen can also be used to reduce our own suffering by freeing us from our own excessive self-concern and focusing our attention on others. Jinpa tells another story, about Tibetan musician Nawang Khechog, who suffered a horrible car accident and had to have multiple life-saving surgeries. It was tonglen practice that had sustained him during the weeks of pain and of not knowing whether he would live. He would spend hours in bed thinking of others who were experiencing physical and emotional pain. He would breathe in their suffering and breathe out his compassion and concern for their recovery. Khechog recovered completely and was able to return to playing music.

Tonglen can allow us to become oases of peace and healing. The Dalai Lama used this practice to transform not only the suffering of the Tibetan protesters who were being injured during the 2008 demonstrations in Tibet but also the anger and hatred of the Chinese soldiers who were cracking down on the protesters. As the Dalai Lama explained, whether or not it actually helped those on the ground, it transformed his relationship to the suffering and allowed him to respond more effectively.

  1. Begin by settling your mind with several long breaths through your nose.
  2. Think of someone who is suffering. You can choose a loved one, a friend, or even a whole group of people, such as refugees.
  3. Reflect on the fact that, just like you, they wish to overcome suffering and to be joyful. Try to feel a sense of concern for the well-being of the person or group you are focusing on. Feel deep within your heart the desire for them to be free of suffering.
  4. Taking their suffering. As you inhale, imagine the pain being drawn from their body and dissolving when it encounters the warmth and bright light of your compassionate heart. You can see their pain as dark clouds that are dissolving as they encounter the bright light of your heart. If the idea of taking in others’ suffering is concerning or unsettling, you can imagine their suffering dissolving into a bright orb of light in front of you that is radiating out from your compassionate heart.
  5. Give out your joy. As you exhale, imagine that you are sending the person rays of light filled with your love and compassion, your courage and your confidence, your strength and your joy.
  6. Repeat this practice of taking the suffering and transforming it by giving your joy. If you have done this practice for an individual or loved one, you can extend the practice to others who are suffering all around the world. If you are taking the suffering of someone who is being harmed by others, you can take the cruelty and hatred that is causing the harm and give your love and kindness. If you feel able, you can practice taking on the suffering of all beings and giving them your compassion and your joy. Stay quiet as your love and joy radiate out from your heart.

Silent Retreat

The Archbishop once or twice a year goes on a seven- to ten-day silent retreat. He will work with a spiritual director who will design a retreat to meet his needs. For the Archbishop, the silent retreat is an undisturbed time for intensive prayer, reflection, self-examination, and deep rest. Retreat is also an important feature of the Dalai Lama’s life. In addition to several shorter retreats at his residence, he also spends a month in retreat during the monsoon summer, mostly in Ladakh. In the whirling blur of our lives, these times of retreat are even more important than ever. You don’t need to be a world leader to need one.

Death Meditation

All spiritual traditions remind us that death is an unavoidable part of our life, and contemplating our own mortality can help bring a sense of urgency, a sense of perspective, and a sense of gratitude. St. Benedict famously said, “Keep death before your eyes.” Like all fears, the fear of death grows in the shadows. Death is the ultimate reminder of impermanence and the ephemerality of all life. It can help us remember that there are no days to waste and that every moment matters. This death meditation is much less involved than the one that the Dalai Lama described, but it shares the same goal: using the reminder of death to help us be truly alive.

  1. Reflect on the words: “Anything that has a birth has a death, and I am no exception.”
  2. Consider the following: “There are many conditions that can lead to death. Death can never be stopped. Nothing can prevent the inevitable.”
  3. Now imagine that you are on your deathbed. Ask yourself the following questions: “Have I loved others? Have I brought joy and compassion to others? Has my life mattered to others?”
  4. Imagine your funeral. Imagine your loved ones making preparations for your funeral and referring to you as “the late so-and-so.”
  5. Reflect on what people would say about you. Are you happy with what they might say? What might you need to change now to change what will be said then?
  6. Conclude with the resolve “I shall always live my life with purpose. Time never remains still, and it’s up to me to use my time in the most meaningful way. I shall live in harmony with my deeper aspirations so that when my final day arrives I will be able to leave with ease and without remorse.”

CULTIVATING THE EIGHT PILLARS OF JOY

Perspective—A Self-Distancing Practice

Many of the practices already offered are useful for cultivating perspective. Meditative practices work to shift our perspective from our reactive emotional brain to our more reflective, more evolved higher-brain centers. Getting a “wider perspective,” as the Dalai Lama calls it, is possible by stepping back from our situation to see the bigger picture. Scientists have called this practice “self-distancing,” and it allows us to think more clearly about our problems, as well as to reduce our stress response and our negative emotions. This broader perspective also allows us to get beyond our own limited and immediate self-interest and into a perspective that takes into account the interests of others. As the Archbishop says, it allows us to see what serves all of God’s children when we are taking this “God’s-eye” perspective. This ability to go beyond our own self-interest is essential for any good leader, whether of a nation, an organization, or a family.

  1. Think about a problem or situation that you are facing.
  2. Describe your problem as if it were happening to someone else—using your name rather than the words I, me, or mine.
  3. Imagine this problem from the perspective of a week, a year, or even a decade from now. Will this issue or event still have an impact on you? Will you even remember it? What will you have learned from the experience?
  4. Witness your life from a God’s-eye, or universal, perspective. See your fears and your frustrations from this point of view. Now see all of the other people who are involved as having equal value and being worthy of love and respect. Then ask what will serve the whole.

Humility—A Lojong Practice

Humility helps us to remember our common bond with others. It helps us to avoid isolation, judgment, and indifference. It helps us remember that we are all equally beloved children of God, as the Archbishop would say, and to remember that we are just one of the seven billion people on the planet. It helps us remember that we are all in it together.

  1. Reflect on all the people who are responsible for your life. Think of your parents, who gave you life, your teachers who taught you, the people who grew your food and who made your clothes, the countless others who are responsible for your having the life that you have each and every day. Now think of all those who discovered and created all of the things we take for granted, the housing, the crops, and the medicines that keep you alive. Think of all the ancestors who had to live, and survive, so that you could be born, who braved enormous hardship so that you could have the life that you do. Now think of the family and friends who give your life meaning and purpose.
  2. Allow your heart to open and experience love and appreciation for all of these people. Experience the enormous joy and appreciation that comes from being in touch with all that has been given to you, in realizing how dependent we are on others, how weak in our separateness and yet how strong in our togetherness.

Laughing at Ourselves to Develop Humor

Humor seems like something that is spontaneous and natural and cannot be cultivated, but the ability to laugh at ourselves and to see the rich ironies and funny realities in our lives is actually, like perspective, something that we can learn with practice over time.

  1. Think of one of your limitations, human faults, or foibles. Think of something about yourself that is actually quite funny when you can have some perspective. The Dalai Lama can laugh at his limited English. The Archbishop can laugh at his big nose. What can you laugh at about yourself? When you can laugh at yourself, you will let others feel closer to you and inspire them to accept their own limitations, faults, and foibles.
  2. Laugh at yourself. The next time you are in a situation where you act in a funny way, or say something in a funny way, or are just less than perfect, chuckle at yourself and make a joke of it. Humor is one of the best ways to end conflict, especially when you are able to make fun of yourself or admit that you are overreacting or being silly.
  3. Laugh at life. The next time you are delayed or something does not go your way, try being amused by the situation rather than getting angry or outraged. You will notice how your amusement puts others at ease and can often smooth the situation. Similarly, when you encounter certain ironies in your day-to-day life, try to see the humor.

Acceptance—A Meditation

Any possibility of joy requires an acceptance of reality. As the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama both explained, this is the only place from which one can start to work for change, personal or global. Meditation is a practice that allows us to accept our life moment by moment without judgment or the expectation for life to be other than what it is.

  1. Sit comfortably, either on a chair with your feet on the ground, or cross-legged. You can rest your hands on your legs or in your lap.
  2. Close your eyes and take several long breaths through your nose. Feel your stomach rise and fall as you breathe into your belly.
  3. Pay attention to what you hear around you. Notice how the world is alive with sound. As thoughts about these noises arise—judgments, assessments, irritations—let these observations and evaluations drift away.
  4. Release your focus on your breath and, while staying in the present moment, notice as any thoughts or feelings arise. Perhaps you will notice some discomfort in your body or have a feeling arise, or you may have a thought about what you need to accomplish or remember to do today.
  5. As the thoughts come up, let them float away without judging them or getting caught up in them. Begin to start seeing thoughts as thoughts without identifying with them. Just observe each moment without judgment.
  6. Think of a situation that you are having a hard time accepting. Perhaps it is your difficulty finding a job or a life partner, or it may be a friend’s illness or a collective reality such as war.
  7. Remind yourself that this is the nature of reality. These painful realities do happen to us, to those we love, and in our world.
  8. Acknowledge the fact that you cannot know all the factors that have led to this event.
  9. Accept that what has happened has already happened. There is nothing you can do to change the past.
  10. Remind yourself: “In order to make the most positive contribution to this situation, I must accept the reality of its existence.”
  11. You can also choose to recite or reflect on one of the following two passages, one from the Buddhist tradition, the other from the Christian tradition:

If something can be done about it,

what need is there for dejection?

And if nothing can be done about it,

what use is there for being dejected?

—Shantideva, The Way of the Bodhisattva

God, give us the grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

—Reinhold Niebuhr, The Serenity Prayer

The Fourfold Path of Forgiveness

The Archbishop became the world’s leading spokesperson on forgiveness when he was asked to chair the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa by then president Nelson Mandela. Over the many decades since that pioneering effort to use truth, forgiveness, and reconciliation to move beyond violent conflict, the Archbishop has been asked, how exactly do we forgive? While most spiritual leaders, including the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama, are adamant about the importance of forgiveness, very few people talk about the actual process of forgiveness. In The Book of Forgiving, the Archbishop and his daughter Mpho Tutu presented a universal fourfold path to forgiveness. This step-by-step process has been made available to the world in the Global Forgiveness Challenge (forgivenesschallenge.com), and has now been used by people from over 170 countries. Forgiveness can be a rather involved process, and those two resources may be helpful to those who are working to forgive major sources of pain and trauma. The resources also address how we can ask for forgiveness and learn to forgive ourselves. The following are the basic steps of the fourfold path, combined with some of the latest neuroscience research.

  1. Telling your story. All forgiveness must begin by facing the truth. You can write down in a journal or tell a trusted friend what happened. Telling your story also allows you to integrate the memories in your consciousness and defuse some of your emotional reactivity. To help heal the memories and avoid retraumatizing yourself, it is helpful to imagine that you are watching the event happen in a movie. This way you may reduce the chances of triggering the brain’s neural stress response. One scientific protocol by Ethan Kross and his colleagues suggests recalling your experience this way: Close your eyes. Go back to the time and place of the emotional experience and see the scene in your mind’s eye. Now take a few steps back. Move away from the situation to a point where you can watch the event unfold from a distance and see yourself in the event, the distant you. Watch the experience unfold as if it were happening to the distant you all over again. Observe your distant self.
  2. Naming the hurt. The facts are the facts, but these experiences caused strong emotions and pain, which are important to name. As you watch the situation unfold around your distant self, try to understand his or her feelings. Why did he or she have those feelings? What were the causes and reasons for the feelings? If the hurt is fresh, ask yourself, “Will this situation affect me in ten years?” If the hurt is old, ask yourself whether you want to continue to carry this pain or whether you want to free yourself from this pain and suffering.
  3. Granting forgiveness. The ability to forgive comes from the recognition of our shared humanity and the acknowledgment that, inevitably, because we are human we hurt and are hurt by one another. Can you accept the humanity of the person who hurt you and the fact that they likely hurt you out of their own suffering? If you can accept your shared humanity, then you can release your presumed right to revenge and can move toward healing rather than retaliation. We also recognize that, especially between intimates, there can be multiple hurts, and we often need to forgive and ask for forgiveness at the same time, accepting our part in the human drama.
  4. Renewing or releasing the relationship. Once you have forgiven someone, you must make the important decision of whether you want to renew the relationship or release it. If the trauma is significant, there is no going back to the relationship that you had before, but there is the opportunity for a new relationship. When we renew relationships, we can benefit from healing our family or community. When we release the relationship, we can move on, especially if we can truly wish the best for the person who has harmed us, and recognize that they, like us, simply want to avoid suffering and be happy in their life.

Journaling for Gratitude

Gratitude, as we have seen, is an extremely important part of joy because it allows us to savor life and to recognize that most of our good fortune in life comes from others. The gratitude practice is very simple. To expand it you can go back to the humility practice, which also involves gratitude and appreciation for all those who have made it possible for you to be you. The gratitude practice below is meant to be one you can do daily, to help you appreciate large and small blessings. This practice can also be done at the end of the day, when reflecting on whether you fulfilled the intention you set in the morning. You can also do this practice together with a spouse or friend.

  1. Close your eyes and recall three things from your day for which you are grateful. They can be anything from the kindness and generosity of a friend to the bounty of a meal to the warmth of the sun to the beauty of a night sky. Try to be as specific as you can be in recalling what you are grateful for.
  2. Write these three things down in a journal. While you can do this exercise in your head, keeping a list of what you are grateful for has been shown to have many physical and emotional benefits over time. Each time you journal, try to write down three different things. Variation is the key to effective gratitude journaling.

Compassion Meditation

There is probably no word that the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop use more when describing the qualities worth cultivating than compassion. In short, the Dalai Lama feels that educating our children to have more compassion is the single most important thing we can do to transform our world, but we do not need to wait for the next generation to grow up before we can start to experience the benefits of compassion. Indeed, cultivating compassion for even ten minutes a day, the Dalai Lama said, can lead to twenty-four hours of joy. Expanding our circle of concern is essential for both our well-being as well as that of our world. The following practice is adapted from the Compassion Cultivation Training program. A more extensive series of compassion practices can be found in Jinpa’s A Fearless Heart.

  1. Find a comfortable sitting position.
  2. Take several long breaths through your nose and follow this with a minute or two of breath-awareness meditation.
  3. Think of someone you love very much, a relative or friend or even a pet. Try to either see their face in your mind’s eye or feel their presence, and notice how your heart feels when you think of them.
  4. Feel whatever arises. If you feel warmth, tenderness, or affection, stay with these feelings. If not, just stay with the thought of your loved one.
  5. Silently say the following lines:
    • May you be free from suffering.
    • May you be healthy.
    • May you be happy.
    • May you find peace and joy.
  6. Breathe in, and as you breathe out imagine a warm light coming from the center of your heart, carrying your love to your loved one, and bringing them peace and joy.
  7. Rejoice in the thought of your loved one’s happiness for a minute or more.
  8. Remember when this person was having a difficult time.
  9. Notice what it feels like to experience their pain. Does your heart ache? Do you have a feeling of unease in your stomach? Or a desire to help? Simply notice the feelings and stay with them.
  10. Silently offer the following phrases:
    • May you be free from suffering.
    • May you be healthy.
    • May you be happy.
    • May you find peace and joy.
  11. Imagine that a warm light emerges from the center of your heart and touches the person you have in mind, easing their suffering. Finish with the heartfelt wish that they be free of suffering.
  12. Think of a time when you experienced great difficulty and suffering—when you were a child, or perhaps even now.
  13. Place your hand on your heart and notice feelings of warmth, tenderness, and caring toward yourself.
  14. Reflect on the fact that just like all people, you want to be happy and free of suffering.
  15. Silently offer the following phrases:
    • May I be free from suffering.
    • May I be healthy.
    • May I be happy.
    • May I find peace and joy.
  16. Imagine someone you neither like nor dislike, someone you might see frequently at work or the store or the gym but do not have strong positive or negative feelings toward.
  17. Reflect on the fact that just like all people, this person wants to be happy and free of suffering.
  18. Imagine this person being faced with suffering—in conflict with a loved one or experiencing despair or grief. Allow your heart to feel warmth, tenderness, and caring for this person and an urge to help them.
  19. Now silently offer the following phrases:
    • May you be free from suffering.
    • May you be healthy.
    • May you be happy.
    • May you find peace and joy.
  20. Reflect on the fact that everyone on the planet has the fundamental desire to be happy and to be free of suffering.
  21. Fill your heart with the desire that all be free of suffering, perhaps even someone with whom you have a difficult relationship, and silently repeat these phrases:
    • May all beings be free from suffering.
    • May all beings be healthy.
    • May all beings be happy.
    • May all beings find peace and joy.
  22. Allow your feelings of compassion and concern to fill your heart, and feel the warmth, tenderness, and caring. Radiate this feeling of compassion out to the world.

Compassion—A Prayer

The Archbishop often has a long prayer list for those who are in need. This happens during designated liturgies and in times of personal prayer. This ability to open our mind and our heart to others who are suffering, whether we know them by name or from only the news, helps us to reorient our heart to compassion from the inevitable self-preoccupations of our day. You can ask God to help them, or simply ask that they be given what they need. You can ask God to bless them, or send them your own blessings that they will be made whole and may be happy.

Compassion—A Fast

The Archbishop fasts on a weekly basis. Fasting not only helps us develop discipline and self-control but also to foster compassion, as when we fast, we experience some of the hunger that others do not choose but are forced to endure. Letting go of our focus on food, which is a preoccupation for so many, can free more time to spend on thought and prayer. As the Archbishop got older, his doctors encouraged him to drink during his fasts, so he began a practice of having “hot chocolate fasts.” You can choose to fast in a way that makes sense for your body, mind, and heart.

Generosity Practices

Compassion, as we have discussed, is necessary but not sufficient. It is the impulse to help others, but the action that follows from that desire is generosity. Generosity practices are so important that they are formalized and even mandated in many of the world’s religions. Here we have presented three forms of giving that are prescribed in Buddhism, which involve material giving, giving freedom from fear, and spiritual giving. Many Christians tithe their income, giving one-tenth of what they earn, and others expand this to giving one-tenth of time, talent, and treasure. It is in this regular concern for others that we experience the most joy.

  1. Material giving. There is no substitute for helping to lessen the inequality and injustice that are such enduring features of our world. Whether you tithe or give dana, this is really the beginning of weekly and even daily practice of thinking about how you can give to others.
  2. Giving freedom from fear. This can involve giving protection, counsel, or solace. This is how we can give our time and attention to others. Who needs your presence today? Do your children, your spouse, your parents, your colleagues, your friends, or even the stranger on the street need your compassion and your caring? To whom can you reach out to support?
  3. Spiritual giving. You don’t have to be a holy man or a spiritual teacher to give in this way. Spiritual giving can involve giving wisdom and teachings to those who may need them, but it can also involve helping others to be more joyful through the generosity of your own spirit. Seek to be an oasis of caring and concern as you live your life. Simply smiling at others as you walk down the street can make an enormous difference in the quality of human interaction in your community. And it is this interaction that is most responsible for the quality of human life on our increasingly crowded and lonely planet, our affluent and still impoverished world.

Joy Meditation—The Eight Pillars

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